what's the damage?

...that's British for "How much?". See...you learned something new today..

If this was the first page you clicked on, back that ass up and go look at my work first, ok? Thanks.

Before we even talk money, we need to get some things out of the way: Dear Bridezilla, though I really admire your passion and zeal for over-functioning, I'm not the photographer for you. It's not you, it's me. Honestly.

Secondly, and most importantly, a sense of humor and being laid back is an absolute must. OK! On we go...

Weddings are 2000. Ask me what that includes. I double dare you.

Here are some of my thoughts on pricing...

• Packages are dumb.
  
  
• Packages with names are really dumb.
  
  
• Giving you one simple, complete deal is awesome.
  
  
• Being flexible if you want more, or less, is awesomer.
  
  

After the job is done, you'll get everything you need to show off and share your images.

Pictures go up to Social Media within an hour or two, and you'll have access to the downloadable gallery within 24 hours.

You can order at-cost prints from there. Or do your own as you get a usage license.

If you want other stuff, I can hook you up. If you order t-shirts, I get one too.

Hiring me would be a great idea. Easily the best you've had for the last four days. Unless you adopted an animal from the Humane Society, in which case that was. Shelter animals rule.

I guarantee no one else out there is doing what I do.

The last of the prices and a couple of important notes:

• Engagement and portrait sessions you're looking at 300 all-in. Events vary, so ask me and I'll work it out, but you're looking at 300 an hour, hoss.
  
  
• Pictures where you have the whole wedding party jump in the air are an extra 50 bones. Just kidding. Kinda. Actually not really, it's the only add-on I have.
  
  
• If it's a Star Wars wedding, or hell, even a Pirate wedding, you get special rates.
  
  
• If the groom is in a mossy-oak tux, I charge you double and it stays between you and me.